Working on the Modeling Contract

Well, the State of the Uterus is:
One itty bitty adhesion in the upper right corner just on the inside of where the tube opening it.
Lower right side of uterus has a scarred area so when you look at it and compared to the left side, the symetry is off just a bit but not enough that the doctor feels a surgery is necessary.
Apparently there is plenty of space available for a resident to find a place to call home for 9 months or so. So for now the Modeling Contract is on hold, we may pursue that option if we are unable to find occupants and you know, we will need to pay the mortgage somehow on that extra space. ;)(you started this Lorem) We also have the option of having the endometrial biopsy to determine Luteal Phase length as well as progesterone production. I thought that they could just do a blood test for the progestrone thing, I guess I will be doing a search on that when I finish this post.

State of the Cervix:
After the application of the stain on those cells there were still some that were abnormal. So they the doctor, who I am starting to think can only talk to my crotch, no he is great but always starts these conversations when my who ha is getting some air. Guess I should call him when I just get out of the shower to talk. Ok, back to the point. He asks me if I want him to do the biopsy of the cells and I look at Steve who is laughing because I had him counting just how many objects were being stuck up my crotch yesterday and I told the doctor, "Since you are down there, you may as well grab a sample now" "Gas is just to high priced to be making this trip again". Ok, I am just too damn practical for my own good sometimes. So the samples was taken, not nearly as painful as the one I had done after I lost the first baby in 2004. So we get the results back by Monday at the latest.

Now we have to decide if we want to do the endometrial biopsy. I am thinking that I have had enough foreign objects shoved up my WhoHa for a while, oh I know you want to know the number, 10. I know, I thought the number would be higher too. I am thinking that we just give it the old college try for a couple months and then if we don't get lucky we can do the biopsy. Plus I started taking these diet pills, yeah don't want to hear it, but anyway they are one of those designed to control your cortisol levels. I think it made me ovulate early or else the stress reduction of just knowing that we weren't even going to try this month made it happen. So, I am going to keep taking this stuff and see if the early ovulation signs are there next month as well. If so I guess we start the Death March Sex a week early. I just won't tell Steve that is what is going on. I know, supposed to be all honest and shit with your spouse, but if I am about this then apparently the Ground Hog refuses to come out and play. So that is the plan. Still feeling fairly stress free over this whole situation.

I was looking in the paper last night and the prices of houses in our area seem to be going down a bit. We may actually be able to afford a real house some day. Wish we could move up to Mauston. For the price of a shit, fixer upper house and tiny yard here I can get 10 acres and a good house up there. I can't believe how they determine house prices. This is the suckiest part of the state to live in yet it is the highest priced. You would think that property prices would be lower here to try and get people to move here and stay. Oh well, that is the next project, looking for houses. And rummage sale season is starting, we saw 3 were listed for this weekend in the paper. I can get back to my favorite form of shopping, other people's junk for cheap. JOY!!!

Welcome to new readers, Hey Sonny! If you read any of my ramblings you would think I was posting these in the middle of the night instead of during the daylight hours.

Two more days

Two more days til the HSG. FSH results came back normal, Dr. Wonderful will discuss those with me further on Wednesday. Major headaches hit on Thursday and Friday and severe pain on both sides, so bad that it hurts to bend to sit or stand. WTF???

Several ladies I know have been on the HSG train over the past week or two so I have gathered all the information from their experience with this that I could. So far the verdict is that it is more uncomfortable then painful. One person did say that the injecting of the dye did cause tears. So I am a bit leary of this procedure yet the benefits of finding out just what is going on in there far outweigh me leaking a few tears if it comes to that. So I plan to just suck it up and squeeze Steve's hand as he will be coming with me simply because the doc told him he should because "It is cool".

Plus Steve will need to keep count of just how many items are shoved up the Who Ha that day. I guess we will need to bring a notebook for record keeping purposes.

I get the coposcopy done at 12:00 to figure out whether or not I am on the road to cervical cancer, oh freaking joy. Then at 1:00 get the HSG. The nurse informed me that I would know the results of the HSG that same day so not sure if the doc will be there and give me the results as it happens or how that will be working. Coposcopy results go to pathology for reading so those will take a bit of time for results.

In other news, went to my friend's 35 birthday party on Saturday night. That was fun. Pretty laid back but that was fine since I am old now and whooping it up too much makes for a very sick and cranky Shanna the next day. I stayed over night and by the time I got home on Sunday, Steve and Alex had the house cleaned for me so I had nothing to do but sit on my ass and read my book. He is such a good wife. ;)

Waiting for my friend to have her baby out in Philly. Anyday now just so she doesn't decide to arrive on Wednesday as her daddy will be out of town for a conference. She isn't due until April 1st but you never know with those babies and yes, if you couldn't tell, the baby is supposed to be a girl. This will give them two little girls.

Work is still sucky as all get out but then what is new. This job I was so hoping for in LaCrosse, the "Management Team" in the ultimate wisdom is not allowing the supervisor in that region to fill that position as full time so that shoots that plan right in the ass. They are allowing the supervisor in a different region, who I would rather not work for, to fill a full time position however even though he has the least amount of vacancies in his region. Now doesn't that just make so freaking much sense? I really need to win the lottery so I can get the hell out of here. Of course, working here is pretty much cake since I do basically nothing yet cover the jobs of 2 people.

I can not believe that they ever needed 2 full time people to work in this office when I don't even have enough work to keep a half time person busy. For the love of Pete I surf the web, write my blog and just screw off the majority of the time yet I am still caught up with all the projects that have submitted shit in the past 2 1/2 years since my coworker quit. I will not volunteer to assist other people in my region with their workload though. They all have far less projects yet are not caught up.

Why is that you ask?
Because they can't make a fucking decision on their own so every single project takes months to review because it has to be taken to a committee for review. Simply amazing the quality jobs that the state is paying for.

Why won't I assist them if I have all this time on my hands you ask?
Because, I am proving to management, though the management here is fucking clueless, that perhaps their other employees need to start bucking up a bit and shit or get off the pot and just do their jobs. But management will never do anything about it because they have no balls and also don't know squat about the program that they are supervising therefore it will never get corrected. I find it amazing that my supervisor, who has been a supervisor for this program for 10 years now, still calls me and asks me questions about how he should be doing his job. Perhaps I should have his job since I can at least make a decision in under a year about stuff. Ok, maybe he isn't that slow but damn close.

So enough bitching about my boring sucky job.

My boy got his hair cut by my cousin on Saturday. He looks so cute and it is so much more even then when I chop it for him, which I have been doing since he was a baby. He was Mr. Moodswing this weekend. One minute all curled up on the couch with me and talking away, the next, of course this happened as soon as Steve came home, he was all cranky and teenagery. Steve can has such a positive influence on my boy but then some days it is like trying to mix oil and water with a lit match.

I got a perm on Saturday so now I look like a red poodle. Yeah, picture that. I am going to finish my roll of film, yes I still have the old fashioned film camera, and get that developed and on a disc so that I can post a current photo for all my adoring fans to see. I know you all have been holding your breath for that to happen.

So, good luck to all my lovely readers with what ever stage in the game you are at.

My New Hero

Since coming to the Land of Blog I have been reading many other blogs out there dealing with the whole wanting a baby thing but you can only write so much about it especially when you get to the point that nothing seems to work.

I have found a blog that she writes about her relationship, single motherhood, and her son. Her son is a red head like my boy and J and Alex could be brothers. I wish I would have written down all the good, bad and ugly parts of being a single mom throughout Alex's life or could even remember some of them to put in writing now. But when I read Cricket's blog about her son it brings me to tears.

You are my new hero Cricket. Thank you for putting it in writing and sharing it with me. Reading that just makes me remember all the sweet things Alex has done and makes me so wish I would have been a better mom when he was little. I think he is turning out to be a great kid but still, I could have done better for him if I would have gotten my shit together sooner. I am going to try to put it in writing the sweet things he has done over the years because already I am forgetting the details. Thanks for the wake up call.

Nothing else new in these parts.

Random Thoughts

Thoughts that flit in and out of my brain for today.

I think I am married to Sasquatch(Big Foot, the hairy beast)
I need to bring different CD's to listen to at work, getting sick of Cher and Gary Allan.
It is so nice and quiet because the Turkeese are out today. Woo Hoo!
Of course, now I can't think of anything witty to entertain you with.
I am really tired.
Can't wait til Saturday to get my perm, yeah curls! and it is my friend Jen's b-day party, lots of food and alcohol.
I am a really shitty speller.
Wish I would have gone to college to be a teacher so I could have my summers off.
Wish I had the money to go back to school to be a teacher so I could have my summers off.
Wish I had a real house.
Wish there was even the slimmest chance in hell of actually being able to sell my trailer in the trailer park from hell.
Worry everyday that something bad is going to happen to Alex.
Know that he has THE best teachers ever this year and last year and scared about what he will run into in 7th grade
Worry about the neighbor boy. Alex told me last night that if Jared isn't home and hasn't taken a shower and eaten dinner before his parents get home that they won't let him shower or eat. He is 15, very sweet boy. I think of him like he is mine. Really very upset about this and can't believe that his parents who I like, would actually do that to him. I know that they work long hours, they leave at 5:00am, have an hour and a half drive to work then don't get back home until close to 7:00pm but how can you not let you child eat if he is at his friends house because he doesn't want to be home alone? I feel really bad for having denied him to be in the house when I am not home now. After hearing this a bent table or a broken glass here and there just isn't worth denying this poor boy access to Alex and my house. GUILT! So I am going to ask him about it tonight, I have said he could come over if I am home so I don't have aerobics tonight so after grocery shopping should get home around 5:30 so he will be there, I hope. I guess another concern is, if his parents aren't home to make dinner, what is he supposed to be eating? Guess we start cooking for 4. He is such a good kid too. He is a boy so they get rowdy but when I am home I can squash their spirits and make them behave, at least inside. When the weather is nice I kick them out. So that is really bothering me.

I know you all want to know this.
Got my period Friday night, went in for the day 3 FSH bloodwork on Sunday, yes I called and they told that was when I should come in. Now have the HSG scheduled for the 29th with the precancerous cervical cell screening before the HSG test. On the road to maybe finding out something. Wish me luck.

Luck of the Irish to Ya!

Happy St. Patty's Day!
Yes, a wee bit Irish.

Not too much happening around here. Payday Friday so the office is nice a quiet. Woo Hoo!

Major pain in my right hip today, only when I take more the 5 steps. Needless to say the bathroom is farther then that from my office.

Listening to Cher's Greatest Hits. Good tunes!

So, after my last couple posts I just wanted to say that I really can be nice, when I want to. At least I used to be. I also have a nasty temper, obviously. Plus this blog is my place to vent and therefore actually make it to my second wedding anniversary without divorce or one of killing the other one.

List of things you never knew or ever wanted to know about me:
1. I could grow a better goatee then my husband if I wanted to. So yes, I could be the bearded lady at the circus.
2. I am obsessed with my fingernails.
3. I was a little tramp in college. Perhaps that is what is causing my problems now? That was back in the Pre H*IV epidemic.
4. I don't like chocolate like "normal" women do. I only like the homemade stuff from the German lady in Ashland or if it is wrapped around caramel.
5. I don't know why I got married. I guess at 35 it seemed like the thing to do. Not that I am not happy to be married, most of the time, just don't know what the point was anymore.
6. Love to dance, however am really bad, as in Elaine from Sein*feld.
7. Need to lose 30 - 40 pounds but have no willpower to just not eat so much, therefore sit and bitch about it, alot.
8. Not a big fan of breakfast, unless it has meat, cheese and grease. Could do without the pancakes, eggs, waffles, I do like french toast though.
9. Have no career goal. Got this job right out of college and just can't get the hell out nor do I know what I would do if I could get out.
10. Want to have a real house of my own, NOW!
11. Very impatient.
12. At the point that I am almost ambivalent about this whole baby thing.
13. Hate my sister-in-law (Psycho)
14. Love my sister-in-law (L) Haven't talked about her, she hasn't pissed me off enough apparently.
15. Very judgemental.
16. Speak what is on my mind, especially after a few beers, watch out then.
17. Want to win the lottery.
18. When I win the lottery I will be quitting this shit job.
19. When I win the lottery I will pay off all my stupid debts and travel. Then if there is anything left after traveling around the world build a house in the middle of no where.
20. I think I am losing my mind.
21. Can not wait for my parents to get back to Wisconsin and home so I can go stay with them for a week and drive them crazy.
22. I am afraid of the dark. Sleep with a nightlite, since I was a kid.
23. Terrified that people won't like me.
24. Have no fear of not liking people.
25. I am afraid to die.
26. I am afraid to live.
27. Terrified that Alex's dad is going to try and take him away from me. Even though he has no job, no place to live and the courts can't find him to get him to show up for court appearance to yell at him for not getting a job and paying child support. At least something good came of the Bimbo divorcing Dopey.
28. Had an appointment set to have an abortion when I first got pregnant with Alex. I was 26, unmarried, only at my job for 3 years, was not going to marry Dopey. Is someone telling me something? Get over it already, I changed my mind and wouldn't part with him for nothing.
29. Afraid that I will die and that Alex will be forced to go live with his dad and that no one will be there for him.
30. Afraid that I won't die and will get old and too feeble to take care of myself and be a burden on Alex. Is this why I want another child, so Alex has someone to help him take care of me in my old age?
31. Love to travel but am terrified when a plane takes off and lands. Read too many damn statistics.
32. If I could I would read books all day long and do nothing else, ever.

Ok, apparently I am afraid of my own freaking shadow too. Never realized until I started writing it down, I am a damn freak. Sorry, no wonder I have no friends, can't get a different job and drive my husband and son crazy. Hmm. No idea how to make a change and right now no energy to do anything about it.

So go drink some green beer and hope for the best. Perhaps I will as well tonight.

Not too much news here

Found out last night, from my husband as we were going to bed, that my mother in law is worried about me. Apparently after the first fun weekend I have had in months, I came across to the in-laws as having a negative attitude.

Ok, I have never been known to be Merry Fucking Sunshine, ever, just to get that straight here. So I must have been doing a good job of faking it until this past weekend. Apparently the veneer cracked on the mask I had showing.

Considering that I have little to no memory capabilities any more, the little I do recall of the conversations I did have this weekend with my mother in law, I don't recall being negative. Granted the topic of Idiot and Psycho came up a few times since they had been up to visit the previous weekend, which thankfully we were not there for. So, HELLO! Yes, I am a wee bit negative about them. They are fucking idiots, sucking the state of Indiana dry with health care costs for them and there 3 kids. Which the last two were born within a year of each other and the state actually covered the costs of a doctor and a midwife for them. Wish I had the balls to just up and quit my job and let the taxpayers support my sorry ass.

Another topic I recall discussing was the whole curling thing, sorry, it was fucking BORING! Plus it is not the quickest moving sport therefore did not hold my attention much and I did not know a thing about it which makes watching it so much more fun. R said it best, "Like watching paint dry". At least if I had been watching paint dry I would have been in the comfort of my own home, with my own kind of beer in hand, music going and able to multitask, laundry, dishes or whatever. So yeah, not thrilled to death over that activity. However, I thought I did my best to make fun of the silly game while being bored to tears. Did I ever tell you I am not very patient either? You may have picked up on that one by now.

Considering that I was not at the house for much more then sleeping and eating a couple meals, and being incredibly tired when I was there which puts me such a good mood anyway, what the hell else did I say to her? Oh well.

I am sure the concern is more for poor Steve and how he has to live with Negative Nelly and how can he put up with it? Hey, better me then Psycho, hooked on prescription drugs which, in my opinion, is why Idiot went to school to be a nurse and now works the fucking night shift at two differnt nursing homes. Any thoughts on that the drugs are being used at home? I think so. Especially since the in-laws thought that Psycho was so much better to deal with the weekend that they were visiting. HMMMM, makes a person wonder, don't it?

Hey maybe they will pop out another kid in the next year. Did you know that this woman supposedly suffers from Endometriosis yet from all I have read up on that subject and from all the blogs I read of women who suffer from it, the ability to just fuck, get knocked up and 9 months later deliver a healthy baby that she just ignores, isn't really that easy. Maybe I am wrong but I am sure someone will correct me if I am.

Now her Endo supposedly makes it impossible for her to hold a job as well. That is why Idiot has to have two jobs plus then take care of the kids. I know people who have Endo and they are capable of holding down full time jobs, have lives, raise their families, if they can have them and be normal human beings. So if hers is so bad she can't work, wouldn't that lead you to believe that making babies and getting to term with absolutely no complications through out the entire pregnancy and delivery would not be so easy? Is it just my unending hate of this woman due to her being such a complete fuckhead clouding my vision?

So then when I asked Steve, after he tells me that his mother is worried about me, what am I supposed to do about it? He goes, "I knew you would get all defensive about it" So then why did you tell me this as we are going to bed? You fucking know that now I won't be able to sleep because it will bother me, especially since I don't know what I said to make her think that.

Then he is like, "Well, I just thought that you would relax, have a beer and watch the curling but no you had to bitch about it."

I was like, "Gee, sorry, didn't know anything about it and thought that I was going with the flow trying to keep myself awake watching it."

Then he goes, "Well, I get bored watching you play softball but I go anyway because I like to see you having fun"

As if watching softball where you can see people move at normal speed versus slow motion curling is even remotely comparable. And at softball you can hear what is going on during the game so you can get involved in the interaction of the players and actually cheer for the team. This curling thing, there was a plexiglass window that we got to watch through and couldn't hear any of the talk between the player and they couldn't hear us if we wanted to heckle them or cheer for them, if I knew when to cheer.

My reply to the softball comment, "Then don't come to my games, I have more fun when you aren't there anyway because I don't have to babysit your sorry ass."

So that was how we went to sleep last night. Then I wake up in the middle of the night and he is hitting me. I yell, "OW!" really loud and he goes"What?" I told him he was hitting me and he says no I'm not. Then he rolls back over, I roll back over am almost asleep again and he hits me again, so I elbow him in the kidney. When I asked him about it this morning, no recollection at all that he did that in his sleep. I am surprised I don't have a bruise on my side where he wailed on me but it is sore to touch it. Thanks so much honey.

Anyway, the Turkeese were just on a conference call with another person in my program out of our headquarters office. Oh yes, speaker phone conference call in the office here with two people on this end and guess what, the conference room was open, which is where you are supposed to hold your speaker phone conference calls. So anyway, now they are sitting over there bitching that this person from my program couldn't give them the answer that they want. Well, you know what? When you are calling someone who is not the project manager, does not have the file information and you wait until the last fucking minute to make contact with them about this project then you may not get an answer at the drop of a hat. How about calling the actual project manager, oh yeah, you already have pissed them off because you are a dumb box. Oh yeah, you need to blame some other program because you are incapable of doing your own fucking job and prefer to sit around the office bitching at the top of your lungs, driving the rest of us insane with your whiney ass, unhappier then me, fingernails on a chalk board voice.

You all may think that I am not that happy of a person, and when it comes to my job, you are correct there. However, I do for the most part carry on normal conversations about topics other then I don't know how to do my job so I will just blame everyone else for my inadequacies (she does this, I know I know how to do my job). I also still have the ability to smile, not this chick. Life here in purgatory has only gotten worse in the last year that she has come to roost here. If there really is a hell and I am sent there, I am going to be so ready after working here.

Just think if I didn't have my blog to vent too just how miserable Steve's life would really be? Poor guy. He should give thanks daily for blogs and me having started one. Ok, Turkeese, SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!!!!!

Potential titles to future posts:

My husband is retarded
My son if a freak
Two months til my birthday(I better remember to post that one on Friday)
Where oh Where has my period gone?(this may be a Monday post if things don't start happening soon)

Update on me:
Still sore boobs
Negative tests this morning
Still really freaking tired, but that is every day
Not so bloaty, so far today
No sign of the Bloody Plague.

Have a great day!

Had me some Phun this weekend, do dah do dah

Yep,
Had actual, phun this weekend. Real laughter and probably drove some people nuts with my drunken babbling. Oh well, you should be used to it by now.

Steve was recruited to be on a team for a curling thingy (not exactly sure what the fuck it is called). So we drove to Portage Friday night and of course the games or whatever they are called were running late. They were supposed to start at 9:15, which was plenty freaking late for me on a Friday night, and did not start until almost 10:30. So needless to say by the time the thingy started for their team I had had a few of the free beers, heavy red beer not my beer of choice but like I said, it was free. So the mother in law and father in law were there and then R&D got there. It was D who recruited Steve to do this thingy.
So they get out there on the ice and start doing their thing. Ok, I was sitting down to watch the excitement and after a few beers at 10:30 at night I was getting sleepy. So I start asking R what the hell is the point and what is going on. He is telling me the point of this so called sport and what this and that mean. Still boring. So then out of the blue, I really thought I was keeping my opinion and boredom under control, R says, "Kind of like watching paint dry, isn't it?" No better way to explain it. Nailed that one on the phreaking head there buddy.

So anyway finally the pain ended for Friday. Well R and I had tentative plans to attempt to get at least one of my sewing machines running and running consistently not just when ever the damn sewing machine decided it wanted to work. You are machines, just fucking sew and don't make terry cloth on the back of whatever I am trying to sew.

Saturday morning, Steve and D leave to go do the curling thingy since the first who ha was at 9:00 am that day, then another at 1:30 and 7:00. Well, R had to go get hay for his horses and didn't get to my in-laws til almost 10:00. So we figured we would wait for Steve and D to return. Well we are talking with my mother in law and 10:00 goes by, then 10:30, then 11:00. By this time I was starving and wanted a cheeseburger. So tried to call Steve's phone, no answer. Then R calls it and gets an answer and tells them we are going to this bar downtown to eat and they can meet us there. I have no idea what Steve said to R but I hear his say, "She doesn't need to be there to cut my meat, I am a big boy". Apparently Steve felt that R can't eat without D to supervise. Turns out that she can't hit her mouth as most of her tomatoe and chips and various other parts of her lunch came really close to ended up in my purse under the table when she was eating her lunch.

It is time for them to go do their second thingy of the day and R and I wanted to get working on the sewing machines, ok this is after about 4 beers. So we switch vehicles with Steve and D as the machines were still in my trunk. R is driving and decides that he has to see what the old green machine has under the hood. Needless to say the machines went tumbling in the trunk, thought they were going to fall right out the bottom of the trunk.

So we go over to their house and start working on my 50cent rummage sale find of an old almost all metal machine, unlike that cheap ass plastic that my other two are made of. We get it running eventually and it is soooooo nice to sew with. I made a cover for my ottoman when I got home last night. So cool!

I know this all sounds quite boring however we had fun talking and messing around with the machines and just hanging out. I had a blast. Perhaps they felt bad after reading my last few posts bitching that I have no friends and felt sorry for me, ok, I will take it.

So basically this post is for my own record, that one day in 2006 I actually had fun.


Other news, sore boobs, feel pukey, probably should not have drank or smoked as much as I did over the weekend. Of course this will be the month it happens because we have the Plan set if it doesn't. Have been too afraid to even think about this or talk with the doctor about the Plan for that option. So just have to wait it out til the weekend and see what happens. Wish me luck.

Oh, to answer a question posed in my comments a post or two ago, due to my age the doctor is testing my FSH and depending on what the levels are that may indicate that I am premenapausal. If that is the case, to pursue the whole getting pregnant thing would mean going beyond doing it the old fashion way, so drugs of some sort and on past that. Since we can not afford to pursue the drugs or other options beside the old fashion way, the FSH will tell us what else may be going on, like the ovaries are expired and to quit while we are ahead. I can still ovulate however the egg quality is greatly reduced once the FSH starts to elevate and that apparently can effect when ovulation occurs so if an egg releases too early or too late it could possibly get fertilized but then would not be good enough quality to grow right and so that would be a good time to just stop. It would be upsetting but at least not as bad as another loss. I just don't know if I could go through that.

Work related:
Turkeese are in and phreaking loud, what is new? Why do I hate them so? Because from day one they have been rude, loud and bitches to me. I tried to be nice but you only get three strikes, and I play softball so technically you should really only be getting two strikes. So they are so out it isn't even funny.

Want to know why I spell some F words with a PH?
Picture it, Christmas 2004.
22 days after I lost my first baby.
At the in-laws house. Psycho and Idiot are there with their 6 week old baby.

Needless to say, I was not very happy to be there then and have to put up with them. That is the time they told me that the miscarriages that they supposedly had, which no one in the family had ever heard about before this time, were the "best thing that ever happened to them". Finger down throat, making self barf.

Anyway, R&D were over on Christmas Eve and had brought a gift for Alex, a little remote controlled car that was a Phat Car or something, the word Phat as in cool not in my ass fat was in the title for this little car. Needless to say much alcohol had been consumed, because I could. So we were a little goofy. For some reason R and I started spelling out the F words using a PH everytime an F word was mentioned in the conversation. So, my phriend R and I were being phunny, at least we thought so. Everyone was looking at the two of us like we were phreaks because we just kept giggling like school girls. Remember R is a guy. Well Psycho tried to join in and the giggling would taper off, actually that was phunny. But I wasn't going to let her know that we were laughing at her not with her. So when you see that now you know.

That should be enough for today.

To clarify

To clarify yesterday's disjointed post, I was upset after reading other blogs that for some reason people were questioning themselves and how to classify themselves in this unknown and unjust world of babylessness.

Those of us who successfully did get a child, in my case 12 1/2 years ago, and are now unable to either conceive or can conceive but can't make it stay where it belongs meet the clinical definition of infertile. How I loath that word.

If I can think straight today, we feel the same pain as others who may not have ever had a successful delivery. That doesn't make us imposters. We still long for a baby and Tertia posted a week or so ago about why we want these babies so much, Mommy Love. She did such an excellent job of explaining it. It was such a timely post for me as I was at the point of questioning why was getting a baby such a big deal to me? To me and I am sure there are those out there who will disagree but for me, having experienced Mommy Love once, I crave it again. If it could be possible, and knock on wood, Dr. Wonderful thinks it may, that craving is more powerful then anything else I have ever known.

For me these last almost 18 months now have been hell. I knew when I got married that due to my "Advanced Maternal Age" it might not happen. I was ok with it not happening, back then. However, once I had the first positive pregnancy test show up and then lost that baby at 3 months, I was not ok any longer with not getting a baby out of the deal. Maybe it is just me, and being a spoiled, only child, but once I decide I want something, it takes alot to make me quit trying. This has been the most challenging goal I have ever set my sight on and perhaps after the additional testing later this month, I will be forced to put this goal away and move on. Or as Dr. Mylifesucks told me, "Get over it".

I guess if I had never gotten pregnant again I would have been ok, hard to say now after 3 positive tests and 3 losses, but I think it would have been less of an obsession for me. I like to think that is what would have happened. However, that isn't the hand life dealt me and so the last 18 months have basically been a waste of my time, workwise, I am surprised they haven't fired me yet. Relationship wise, I really don't know how or why Steve put up with me through all of this. Alex, unfortunately can't escape me until he graduates.

I posted about this in the past but this whole discussion in Blogland brings it back again.
Because I have a child does not mean that I am less deserving of another one.
Because I have a child does not mean that I don't want another one.
Because I have a child does not mean that my pain over my 3 lost babies is any less then anyone else.
Because I have a child does not mean that I should be happy I have him and quit complaining.

Because Alex is 12 does not mean that I don't know what I am getting myself into if we are successful in this quest.
Because Alex is 12 does not mean that it will be like raising two only children. Ok maybe it will a little but in the end they will still have each other when I am gone.
Because Alex is 12 does not mean that he will not love a baby brought into our family.

Because I am 38 does not mean that I am too old for another baby. Anyone see that 62 year old lady who just gave birth?
Because I am 38 does mean that there could be something wrong with a child I formulate and deliver. Doesn't mean it is a given that there will be something wrong, with my luck there will be but I guess that is our decision to make, not yours.

Yes, many of those things have been said to me. I really love the one about since I have Alex that my pain over my losses should be less then someone who is unable to even get pregnant. Can someone explain that to me? Does this mean that because I am down to one grandparent and you may have 2 or more left that when one of your grandparents passes away your grief could not possibly be as bad as mine if Grandma dies? I don't get that, how you are supposed to rate your level of grief or depression or anger based upon what you have in your life versus someone else.

Moving on, anyone ever notice that after your loss or losses if you are talking to someone and that subject comes up, if they haven't run in the other direction really fast, that they may say that they experienced a loss but that they got over it and successfully moved on to getting a baby? I actually work with people like this. Love this job, not! They say shit like, "Well, I lost a baby, but got over it and then 2 months later got pregnant again and now have________". Anyone ever get that line?

Then these same people, who you think that ok, they will understand what I am going through, especially in the first few weeks after your loss, avoid you like the freaking plague? Lucky them, they "Got over it" and "moved on" and got a baby after all, so why did you even tell me you had a loss if you aren't going to at least be sympathetic to me crying my head off in my office or in the bathroom and don't go around telling everyone else in the office what happened to me if you really don't give a rats ass. There were only 3 people in my office who actually seemed like they cared and still let me babble about it when the mood hits me, guess what? They are men. Single men, who have never been married or have children. How can that be?

I really do not have any female friends that I feel close to. Close in being able to call them up and say, Let's go have a beer, or want to go shopping? Or just hang out. I used to have that up north. Of course people down here, suck. Anti social, clicky, I feel like I am back in Jr. High. It sucks. So I need to get a different job and move further towards the northwoods where people are normal and not like the jackasses that work here, other then my 3 sympathetic guys.

Ok, better go for now. Hope that link to Tertia works, still figureing that all out.

State of the Uterus Address

Yes, finally had the much awaited call from the new Doc. Love this man and I have only met him once and talked to him on the phone once. Still, very happy I found him.

So my thyroid was normal, dang can't blame that for the fat ass.
Ureaplasm test, normal, great!

Pap showed more abnormal cells on the cervix. Not so good. Right now the game plan is to move ahead with the day 3 FSH test and on day 10 do the HSG. So glad that we don't need to wait another month. However, the HSG is dependent on what the FSH level is. I am hoping that this test is also normal, below 10. Remember when I was hoping that some of this other testing I had done I wanted them to find something wrong, not this time so we can count on this one being fucked.

Dr. Wonderful told me that it makes more sense to do these various test, bloodwork, HSG, and whatever other good stuff waiting for us, to "gather enough data to make an educated decision". HELLO! I have been trying to gather this data and all the other doctors keep telling me the "Well, there is only a 50% chance to find something" bullshit. Finally found a doctor who did not graduate from University of Cracker Jack. I will do a 2 or 3 hour drive to keep seeing this guy and if I ever do swell with the alien in my belly and the alien decides to make an appearance, Steve better learn how to get through Boringtown and Jville a hell of a lot faster then he does now. Of course we live on the east side of Boringtown and the hospital is on the west side of Jville. Yeah, can I pick em or what.

So that is the current State of the Uterus. Aren't you glad you stopped?

The question has come up on several of my favorite blogs that I get my fix of daily, thank you ladies, on when are you infertile and when are you just not quite there?

My thoughts on it are as follows:
You are infertile in Shinny Laboo's world when:
1. You can't get knocked up.
2. You can get knocked up but can't stay knocked up( this is where I fit in)
3. Even if you have a child, regardless of how long ago you had that child or how recently, if you want another baby and it isn't working, then you are infertile.

Granted they want to classify you in the Secondary Infertile catagory if you already have a child. I guess, if I want a baby and can't get one, I am infertile. Meaning unable to reproduce.

Should those who just can't deal with the physical and emotional pain and stop the pursuit deserve less in the way of our support? No.

Do those of us reading daily on these blogs, typepads or whatever version they use to post with feel differently about them if they change their mind about the whole kid thing or decide to move on to adoption and give their poor abused bodies a break? No.

I really had a much better written post in my head earlier as I was reading the posts out there on when are we infertile and when are we "imposters" as someone put it. We aren't imposters just cause we can get an egg fertilized and maybe have the joy of seeing the double lines on a stick. Perhaps some would think that of us if we did this effortlessly and 9 months later, boom "Here's your baby". Still, I don't think any of the beautiful women out there who have "Made it" successfully as being "imposters" if they continue to post about their babies or any residual feelings they have after the years of angst they endured to get to that point.

I guess my point kind of is, we all want the same thing, therefore we don't need to put ourselves into a category to make ourselves fit in. We all post about stuff other then the State of Our Uterus so let us share in the fact that we are beautiful, intelligent women who just want to decorate a nursery, have a party to celebrate a new life or just want to get back to our lives before we started this quest for a child. I don't know if any of my babbling today makes sense.

I just want all of you to know that I personally don't care if you have 10 kids and just want one more or if you have never have any and just want that one or where you fit in all that stuff. We are all in the same boat, for some we are trying to row upstream with one oar, some of us are heading the right direction and have all our rowers in line, ok ran out of boat and rowing analogies (I think that is what I was useing, been a long time since English class). Anyway, be you and be true to what you want and how you want to get there and just know that I care about you but don't care what someone may want to categorize you as. It doesn't matter. Right? Make any sense at all?

Yes I am a Golden Member of the Habitual Aborters Club, only 3 losses under my belt so I don't qualify for the Platinum Membership yet.

I guess I don't really liked to be placed in a category that virtually elimantes coverage by my insurance company and I know many others are dealing with this crap clause in their insurance policies as well. "We don't cover Fertility testing or infertility treatment".

So that is where the big question lies, when is it considered to fall into Fertility or Infertility for the insurance company?

Right now Dr. Wonderful is doing testing under the guise of recurrent miscarriages and my stupid insurance will cover most of it. Isn't recurrent miscarriages part of the definition in some medical text for infertility? Ok, anyone explain that to me then? Just because the two words that are taboo to the insurance companies are not mentioned or not used because the doctors have another code that they can put this testing under, they will pay. So very glad I found a doc that knows how to work the system. Granted there is no way to get the injectibles or invitro covered but still. We may get some sort of an answer yet and possibly the wonderful B word will be allowed someday on my blog.

No News Is Good News?

Ok, haven't heard back from the doctor yet. So I guess that is good? I was hoping that my thyroid levels would be screwed up and I could blame that for my inability to lose weight and not my lack of will power to eat less and exercise more. Ha!

Well, nothing new this week, sorry to say. Just waiting for the weekend to get here, only 3 more hours. Woo Hoo!

Steve spent Wednesday night in Madison with his friends B & J. Ha, see how that looks? BJ? Ha! Ok, it is Friday and I need a drink. Of course that was the one day that he should have been home and doing his JOB! But no, he was off screwing the pooch. Who knows, maybe that was why he was so tired last night? Hmmm. Something new to obsess about.

A little history on BJ here. Way back when in the Pre Steve days I worked with B. Ok, this is the guy who has to work out and be all buff and is actually referred to as Mr. GQ. Yeah. Plus when I first met him, he sure did not act like he was married. Luckily I was entertained elsewhere and something about him just didn't hit the mark for an attraction. Just to clarify though he did fit the first couple of requirements on my "List" at that time. Tall, good looking, dark haired, employeed, had a full set of teeth and from what I could tell at the time and has since been confirmed, don't ask, no hair on his back. Ok, maybe more then a couple. But anyway, so the first year we worked together I was in charge of planning a Christmas party, that was back when state employees could actually refer to it as Christmas. So I got it all set up and everyone we worked with who had spouses, friends, significant others, whatever could bring them.
So he brings his cute little wifey and their 9 month old baby. So I was nice to wifey, J, and was all over the adorable baby more then talking to either of them. Well, I have no idea what crawled up her ass and died but she got this big attitude with me for some reason. Like I was trying to steal him away or something, Uh, no. Plus by this time I was in a serious relationship, for me anyhow. Gees sorry J that B is the biggest flirt in the known world and I am not interested. I mean he was a good friend for a number of years but that was that. Oh yeah, and B introduced me to Steve. So hello, I married Steve, don't want B. Maybe she wants all the boys to herself?
So anyway, J since has always been mega bitch to me.

So now everytime the little gang gets together B&J are there. Well, if you read the New Years Eve post, a few of us wives who have come into this gang after J has had all the boys to herself for years, we kind of think that there is some swinging going on in the neighborhood, just based upon what we witnessed that night. Weird stuff man. Ok, I didn't write about the swingers and all the weird stuff that was going on, may have to work on remembering all that crap and make a post on just that. Sorry.

But anyway, J is always such a mega bitch to all of us "after the fact" wives. Apparently some are better at just ignoring the bitch then I am. I am getting to the point of telling her to stuff her fucking snotty ass attitude where the sun don't shine. Of course none of the boys from the gang ever fucking see this or they make that lovely excuse"That is just J." Sorry, being a rude ass bitch is not something I need to be around and then I get the pissy attitude from Steve when I don't want to be around that shit. Fuck that buddy. Go have you little fun fests with her all you want but just remember who you fucking married, it wasn't her. You had your chance years ago and didn't take it then, hmmm, why not? Something tell you that she was a bitch even then?!

So B&J have two kids now. I don't even remember how old they are. But I do know that they are not very well behaved yet you dare not say a word to anyone about what brats they are or all hell breaks loose. Yeah, been there, done that. Never again.

I have no idea where I am going with this other then it just irritates me that Steve has to share every fucking detail of my medical issues that we have been going through for the past two years now with EVERYONE! Granted I share that here, but this is for me to share or not to share and I don't go telling my friends about his "not tonight I have a headache" bullshit, which ok maybe this was my point, I don't have any fucking real friends! I hate living here because of that, I hate working in this damn office where everyone is so fucking perfect in their minds.

Oh well, I hate my job, I hate living here and being so far away from my real friends who when I do get all the fucking way back up north make me feel like I never left them.

On a positive, I know you were wondering if that was ever a possibility with me, yes. Some of the gang members have become friends to me. Not sure if it is because of our shared dislike of J, because they have to put up with me and are really laughing at me and not with me or maybe they really do like me for me and not because I am what Steve got stuck being married to. Ok, apparently pity party going on today? Yep.

So I do have some rays of light in the never ending gloom on the friends front, R&D. I actually have fun when we are in Portage and see them. D&A, not that we see them much since they live in Columbia now. (another post for another day there, they aren't really in Columbia) I figured it out, I am jealous that Steve can just leave me and Alex and go hang with his friends without a care in the world. Wish I could just go traipsing to the other end of the state to visit my friends anytime I want. Someone has to be here for the boy. And do I really think that if we ever have a baby that this behavior will stop? I doubt it. He will be gone even more and you know what he will have the balls to say to me if I ever complain, "Well, you are the one that wanted a kid so bad". Yes, my oh so loving husband who really doesn't care if we have a baby would actually say that to me. Anyone know what would happen to him when those words leave his mouth?

I would let him leave on his happy little journey to whereever the fuckville and then while he is gone, all of his shit, thankfully there isn't much, would be tossed into the yard and the locks would be changed. See, I have been there before and I can see it happening again. You catch on to these things a whole hell of alot faster the second or third or fourth time you let it happen to you. So I guess the game plan for now is to get knocked up, stay that way, get a baby and then run like hell. Yep. I knew I should have made him sign a prenup. Fucking 15 1/2 years with the state, damn good pot of retirement going there that he will expect to get a part of. So I have it under control and he better never think of uttering those words or anything alone those lines or else.

Ok, anyone else think I need to be medicated? I do. Paranoid, jealous, ornery bitch here. At least I have my internet friends to help me through these trying times. Just wish I had an in the flesh friend to go to a movie, or shopping or out to eat or out for a drink since I can still do that and probably will never have a need to stop drinking, it may get worse.

I just want out. I want to go back where it isn't an entire weekend in the car to get up north to see my parents, my friends or my family. I love Steve's family dearly but it would be nice once in a while to see mine as well.

I just can't wait til summer gets here. After spending Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years with his family and friends, I can already hear the screaming that will come when on Memorial Day and Labor Day weekends I want to go to my parents house. Oh yeah and fucked Boringtown changed Chocolate Fest to be on Memorial Day weekend. Steve's family came down last year and from what I hear are planning on coming down this year for it as well. Sorry but Chocolate Fest is BORING, hence held in Boringtown. But I will hear the screaming on any weekend throughout summer that I may want to venture north. "I don't have any vacation, We were just there last month" Those will just be a couple of his reasons. Oh yeah he has over 100 hours of vacation, hello, quit using up your damn vacation to go golfing with B&J once a week, dumb ass.

So glad that I got started on this. Really in a shit mood right about now. Can you tell? Don't know what the heck my point was and well, don't care. I was in such a good mood this morning, what happened? No idea. Ready for 4:30 to get it's sorry ass here so I can get out.

Recap:
Hate, yes really J. B is getting close with that stupid superior attitude of his. What is my problem? Brain chemical imbalance maybe? ok, for sure.
Liked, now love R&D, D&A.
Love my family, most of the time. ;)
Love in laws, other then Psycho and Idiot, do like their kids though.

Apparently I am a fucking hill billy, northern Wisconsin, backwoods redneck. Yep that is me, see the hayseed in my teeth?