Ok, someone send me a bag of Dove chocolates

Well, not all that much to report this week, apparently. I have been in a very goofy mood and it makes Steve happy since he doesn't have to fear for his life when he gets home at night. Yah, it was getting that bad from what he has been telling me, safely via email too. At least he has learned to say honest (mean) things to me via email so that I hopefully will be cooled down from the Seeing Red/Bloodlust killing rage by the time he gets home from work.
So far I guess I have been much better, even over the weekend.

So yes, we were at my in-laws house starting Wednesday night. Alex and I went up there that night since Alex's stupid dicksmack of a father changed his mind and had to have Alex starting on Thursday instead of Friday like the original plan had been for the past freaking month.
So anyway, Thursday morning, yes Thanksgiving Day, Steve, Alex and I get up early, 8:00 am and drive 2 hours to Wausau so we could meet Dicksmack or Dopey as my dad calls him. So we are there and since we were to meet at Micky D's, the 3 of us grabbed some breakfast.
Well, then we are sitting there waiting and it was freaking cold and very windy. My poor car was blowing all over the dang road on the way up there.

Well, we sat there for half an hour past the set time. I then call Dopey's mother who lives in Wausau and they have not heard from them to say that they were running late or had bad roads. So finally after waiting for 45 minutes and burning up probably a gallon of gas by having the car running Alex said to leave. I totally agreed with that decision.

So back to Portage we go.

Then Friday morning, after the big rush to hit the butt crack of dawn sales passed, my mother in-law, Steve and I go out to pick up a few things. Well, I made the mistake of checking my cell phone for messages and of course Dopey had called, get this, Friday morning, to leave a message and bitch me out for not waiting over an hour for them to get there. Well, gee if you are in such a tizzy to see your oldest child, maybe you and you butt ugly wife and your two kids should have gotten your sorry asses out of bed on time and hit the road to pick up your son. Dicksmack.
I told him we waited until 10:45. The first story he told me was the roads were bad, uh we had sunshine and it hadn't snowed for over 3 days, yes I did checked the internet weather for his part of the state too. Then his story changed to we got running late. Well Dicksmack, you had my freaking cell number, don't you think you could have called it or even called your mother's house knowing full well that I have never had a problem with anyone in your family other then you and your stupid wife and would have called your mom to see if you idiots were there?
Well, anyway, I got to have my boy with us for Thanksgiving.

So Friday night I reapolstered a rocking chair that was my father in-laws grandmas. Then Saturday morning Steve and I got up and drove to Minocqua, 3 and a half hours, to go to the funeral for the father of one of my college friends. That was really sad. I cried more at this funeral then I did at the funeral for my aunt. Of course I actually knew Jim from all the times I spent up there with KT and Trigger over our single drinking years. Oh the good times.

Then we drove home on Sunday and found that there was water leaking in around the back door of the trailer making the floor all nice and wet. Gotta love living in a trailer.

So now I am back at work and told Steve that he had "work" to do this week since I will be ovulating on Thursday. Wish us luck. I would dearly love to get a positive pregnancy test for Christmas and have it stay in there this time. It would be due around Alex's birthday then too. I got pregnant on December 10, 1992 with him. So here goes nothing.

Of course the bonus side of losing another baby would be that finally the doctor would make it official that the Habitual Aborters Club has been achieved with 3 losses from his count therefore I can get more tests run and hopefully get the freaking insurance company to pay for some of it.
I guess we just wait and see what happens.

Whisper in the Dark

Ok,
I know you are just wondering where did she get that cool title? Dove, carmel filled chocolates. They have these cool saying in the wrapper. That is my new source of inspirational titles.
Well, had some beers on Friday night but after two I started to feel too bloated. Now only 3 years ago, pre-Steve days, I could put away a damn 12 pack in one night and not be sick the next day. What did marriage do to my tolerance level? I know, you are asking, which one of my tolerance levels, I guess all of them?

So anyhow, I cooked shrimp burgers, one of my Rachel Ray 30 minute meals. YUM! I love her!

Then that was about it for Friday night other then Steve was in a very talkative state and I was telling him about my "posse", Lola and April. Well, he starts saying that after each of our losses he also went to the internet in search of somewhere to talk with other men who were dealing with a loss or had gotten through a loss without ruining their marriage or killing each other.

He actually said he was jealous that I had the PAM website and now my Posse. He said the only sites that he could find were New Dad or Expectant Dad. So not really what he needed. Then he said he had found a site that had the forum set up like PAM does and he started to read some of the posts and was thinking of posting himself when he ran across where a woman had posted.

Ok, now that doesn't seem like that big of a deal. However, if we step back and recall what our men did or didn't do before, during and after the loss of our babies, then realize that for men to even go to a website and join it and actually post comments, questions or concerns, that took A LOT for them to do that so to have a woman be on there, who if they wanted to talk to a woman, they have their wives, I can see how it would throw some men for a loop. Ok, did you like that runon sentence? Well, I know that if men started to post on the PAM website, especially considering how intimate of details that are posted as well as how often we discuss our husbands and put our hearts and souls on the line sometimes that if men were posting it would freak some of us out. I am sure that some of our husbands are lurking in cyberspace and possibly reading what is posted but still they don't horn in on our turf.

Anyway, Steve said that there needs to be a place for men who have experienced losses to go to for help and support and just to know that what they are thinking or feeling is what someone else somewhere in the world is also going through. To make them feel normal I guess. I think that he should start one. Since he has been through this 3 times and we are still married and talking to each other and occasionally we even have sex, he would be a good person to start the process. Anyone else have husbands in need like mine?

Well, then Saturday I got to help with the deer brain sampling that the department does for the CWD issue here in Wisconsin. Oh yeah, I forgot, trying to give my one cat a vitamin to stop her hair from falling out and she chomped my pointer finger on my right hand. Instantly blood all over the couch and swelled up like a freaking breakfast sausage. So anyway, I am right handed and to try and hold a scalpel and cut open partially frozen deer heads to find the lymph nodes and the brain stem was really fun with a bum finger. I did it though. See what having pissed away all of your vacation before the end of year will make a person? I worked Saturday and Sunday and got 22 hours of compensation time so that saves me two and a half days of vacation time. Yeah! It was fun too. First time in a year that my back didn't hurt when I stood for more then 5 minutes. Perhaps because I was doing something I enjoyed? HMM?

Oh well. Guess that is enough for now. Not that any of this relates to any other part of itself but someday I may be able to focus and put together coherent thoughts, yeah right. Like that will happen.

So let me know if you think husbands, boyfriends, significant others would use or benefit from a site for men?

Wishing April Good Luck

Wondering if you are the Underwater Clown Conspiracy April. If so, I have read the last couple posts and totally have every part of my body that can cross, crossed for you dear!
Everything you described is screaming to me that it is YES! I do so hope that one of the amazing women that I have encountered in the Wonderful World of the Web can get some damn good luck one of these days.
I read what you wrote and was like, she is so totally pregnant that it isn't even funny.
If you are not that April then welcome to the It's a Not So Wonderful Life.
And anyone else who reads this, hope and pray and cross what you can for UCC April. She deserves it.
(I can have my legs crossed for you this week too dear ;) )
(squealing and squeaking) I do so hope it is a yes!!!! ( pretend I am a cheerleader saying it)

Smile, It makes people wonder what you have done.

Hey all! Ok, so far Lola and April. Thanks for stopping in and leaving me notes. Oh yeah, and being nice. ;)
Well, it is Friday thankfully. No baby this month. Good ole period reared it's ugly head on Wednesday.
So for some stupid reason I have had this headache since Wednesday. I have tried aspirin, Tylenol, coffee, soda, sleep, reduced lighting, every pain killer that was still in the medicine cabinet left over from all of my various surgeries over the years, yeah I know you are supposed to throw them out, I have issues with throwing things out. That is another post.
Anyway, it still feels like someone is trying to drive a ten penny spike into my left temple and doing a fine job of succeeding. So perhaps I will have to break down and try beer when I finally get to leave purgatory for the week.
Oh, I did acupuncture yesterday for the first time ever. It was being offered for free at my Herb Guy to assist with stopping smoking, could that be where the headache is coming from, no smokes for 24 hours now? So why did it start Wednesday. See, that spike is affecting my brain waves because if you have read any of the other postings I have done you would realize just how calm and level those brain waves are normally. Yeah. If you believe that I have some ocean front property in the Arizona you might be interested in buying. (thank you George Straight for that line)
Ok, totally lost where I was going with this whole thing. I think my headphones are turned up too loud to think. Of course they also block out Mr. Snotnose who sits in the cubicle behind me and apparently after 25 years of life, still, has no idea that Kleenex or handkerchiefs have been invented or exactly what they are to be used for. Yeah, can't wait til winter really gets here and have to listen to that all freaking day. At least the Turkeese* are not in a tizzy, yet, today.

Back in September when I was going through my whole depression, don't care about squat, don't even remember now what I did back then phase one of the Turkeese asked me if I wanted to do this self defense class. I must have really been out of it because let's review the history with this Turkoose*.

Prior her to working in this office she dated one of the wardens from this office. Therefore he would bring her to the After the Holidays, Middle of February Boring Winter get togethers that I used to plan. Any how, the first one she came to, which I don't think he actually invited her she happened to find out from someone else and just showed up. (reason for that thought is that for the entire time I was organizing, getting orders and collecting the money the warden never mentioned that she even existed) Ok, back to the story. So this dingbat shows up and one of the first things out of her mouth, remember this is the first time she ever met me, she tells me that I color my hair. EXCUSE ME? Ok, I have this disgusting hair that changes color depending on the mineral content of my water, if the water softener is working that day or just because it can. I do believe it is sentient. Anyway, it is kind of blonde, red, orange stripes if you look close enough, now that it is short the back is kind of mousey brown and the longer stuff on top is blondish red and now getting some white ones that stick straight up on the top of my head. Well, I am sorry but if I was going to color my hair you can damn well bet that I would not pick this stupid color. So when I told her I don't die my hair she had the nerve to argue with me. Like, drop it bitch all you are doing it looking like a bitch and considering you are one you may want to sucker some people into thinking you are nice before you go an alienate everyone. Whatever. Ok back to my original point, yeah really did have one.

Ok, I don't have the tab, indent thing figured out on this system yet.

Well, when I was in my "Lost another baby" stupor I agreed to do this self defense class, not realizing that it was being held on the opening day of the deer hunting season. Well, I never heard anything more that we were signed up or to double check that everyone who said, BACK IN SEPTEMBER AND IT IS NOW, WHAT MONTH? EVERYONE TOGETHER, NOVEMBER!, that they would go were still going. Well, once I got my head out of my ass over the whole depression and what not issues, Yeah I am sure people who I didn't want to share that I lost another baby with thought that was my problem. Well anyhow, Wednesday, yes 2 days ago, she emails to "remind" us that the class is this Saturday. Ok, wouldn't normal people who are organizing something like this for 3 other people do the following, at a minimum?

1. Make a copy of the details for the class at the time people say they will attend, so they have something to remind them of the class?
2. Prior to submitting the final signup information and paying for the class, double check with everyone to make sure they are still on board?
3. Then, make sure to send a reminder, a couple days prior, of the date and the time?

So I had to tell her that since I had not heard back that we were for sure doing that class plus that I forgot it was opening weekend of deer season, I was working. The only joy I get out of my suckass job is to work this one weekend of the year helping the wildlife program with collecting data to determine it the Chronic Wasting Disease is spreading throughout the state. So no, not going to cancel the opportunity to get 22 hours of comp. time so I can put that many hours of annual leave into sabbatical. Especially once I saw that it would have been me going with Ms. Turkoose Bitch, the other Turkoose**, and the bitch that got my window office. So needless to say, not really my ideal companions for a Saturday.

Yes, I admit it, I would rather dig out deer brains and lymph nodes from frozen deer heads for 8 hours none stop on the weekend then spend 4 hours in a class with the 3 of them.

Well, she has a snitfit, "Don't mean to be a pain but I already paid for you to go" Ok, yes you do mean to be a pain and unfortunately for you it is something you are exceptionally good at. You do have to feel sorry for the poor girl, ok that was long enough she is a real bitch.

Sorry, maybe you should have double checked with people before sending in the sign up sheet and the money. Not really my problem that you also have no friends therefore can't even come up with a replacement and there is no way in hell I am putting any of my friends through the hell of spending a Saturday with the 3 of you.

So that should about do it for today. Keep me in your thoughts to not pick up a pack of smokes and can get through these next three days then supposedly it gets easier. I guess we will have to wait and see.

Shinnyl Laboo's Vocabulary Lesson:

*Turkeese = Take Turkey and geese and that is what the two of them sound like on any given day that they are both in the office. Just shut the hell up and do your job and then you wouldn't be so damn far behind!

**Turkoose = Singular of Turkeese.

18 days til the anniversary

18 days til the one year anniversary of losing my baby. Also, the day that creepo gets sentenced to rot in jail(hopefully).
Not too exciting of a weekend. Made Viking(Viqueen) seat covers for my husbands car. Yes, Viking fan living in Wisconsin on the border of Illinois, so you think he could have been either a Bears fan or a Packer fan, but no.
Got the news that Psycho and Dipshit had their baby girl. (The brother and sister in law)
Great. Hopefully they don't come up for Thanksgiving or Christmas. It would be nice to have one peaceful holiday season without them there.
Oh well, maybe I will fly out to Arizona and see my parents over Christmas. Steve can go up and visit with his goofy brother and his wife.
Sorry about all the swearing in last Friday's post. I was ANGRY, if you couldn't tell.
Then I was paranoid all weekend that the old people were going to turn in my license plate number saying I left the scene of an accident. There was no damage and no one was hurt and if I would have had to stay and listen to that old bag much longer, someone would have gotten hurt.
Oh well. Still have to wait til Friday to test. Still don't have that feeling that it happened this month but who knows.
My friend Pam emailed this morning and her dad died suddenly over the weekend. He was 60 years old and healthy. Just dropped over dead. How awful. I feel so bad for her. I hope that this stressful time doesn't cause anything to go wrong with her and her baby. She is over halfway done already. So lucky.
So not too much excitement in Boringtown, WI this weekend.
Next weekend I get to collect brain samples for Chronic Wasting Disease study from deer killed over opening weekend of the big deer season. That is the only joy I get out of this job, helping other programs out. It is like pulling teeth to get my supervisor to approve it and you would think that after 4 years now he would figure it out that I am going to keep volunteering every year so it shouldn't come as that much of a surprise to him. He is such a dork.
Well that is it for now. Have to see what I can come up with for tomorrow or the day after.

Still can't come up with a good one.

Lola,
From now on I will just write to you since as far as I know you are the only one who is reading my psychotic ramblings.
Like I put in my comment reply, yes all those lovely responses from people when you tell them of your loss. What the Fuck?
Let's address the thought process I go through when I hear each one of those, shall we?

1. It Happened For a Reason: 1. WHAT? 2. What planet did you come from? 3. Ok, so what is the fucking reason that I lost my baby and my psycho sister-in-law can keep popping them out? 4. Get the fuck away from me? 5. Did I ask you? 6. Ok doc, so what tests are we going to do to find out just what that stupid reason is? Oh, we are just going to wait until I lose HOW MANY MORE? Not acceptable!
2. You Don't Want a Baby at Your Age: See November 10 post for that one.
3. Just Relax: 1. Um, NO! 2. Piss off Dicksmack 3. Excuse me, just how do you propose I relax when I have no freaking answers as to why I can not keep a baby growing inside of me? 4. Could you relax if you were diagnosed with cancer? At least you would KNOW what the hell is wrong with you then.
4. It's For the Best: 1. Classic 2. Best for who? 3. WHAT? 4. Are you insane? 5. Since when were you granted the powers to determine what is the best for me?
5. It was an Angel and God Called it Home: 1. Sorry, I don't believe in God (Yes I actually told my extremely Catholic doctor that one) 2. There is no God 3. God is supposed to be good not evil and continue to take away my babies and all the babies of all the wonderful women on PAM and elsewhere in this world. 4. If there is a God why does he let children be born into situations that are harmful to them and that they may or may not live through? Yet takes mine away?
6. "Our Miscarriages Were the Best Thing That ever Happened to us" (this is a quote from my brother in law and sister in law from last Christmas as they rubbed the fact that they had a 6 week old baby in their fucking arms and I had an empty womb): 1. Oh yeah, you dumb box? 2. WHAT? 3. Get the hell away from me you freaks. 4. Steve, HELP!!!! 5. To Steve: " Don't you ever for the rest of our lives ever leave me alone with those two or someone is going to die and I can bet you it will not be me. "
7. There must have been something wrong with it: 1. Ok, what? 2. Give me just one answer. (ok we had an answer on one of the 3) 3. So that is supposed to make me feel better, how?
8. Mother Nature Knows Best: 1. Apparently she doesn't know what is best for me. 2. Well, if she is going to let me get pregnant then why doesn't she make sure that before that happens everything is fine with the baby? 3. Why let me get all excited about being pregnant, bond with the baby and then snatch it away? 4. There is no Mother Nature. 5. I don't believe in her any longer. 6. She is a bitch then.
9. You were pregnant?: 1. Yeah ok, you don't rank high enough to be told before I start to show. 2. Who told you? 3. Apparently you didn't get that memo? 4. Piss off dicksmack.
10. It must have been because you smoked: 1. Gee, Thanks for putting even more fucking guilt on me then I already placed on myself. 2. I quit with the last one and see what the got me? 3. Don't you think I already thought of that? 4. I asked the doctor and they said it could have but most likely was not the reason for any of them.
11. It was the drink you had before you even knew you were pregnant, or you must have done something to cause, i.e. moved furniture, played with poison, chemical exposure, etc.: 1. Wow! you are so intelligent. 2. Like that didn't cross my mind and add to the guilty already? 3. Well, can you tell me exactly when that would have happened? 4. I asked the doctor with the first one if my being exposed to rat poison could have caused my bleeding and loss of that baby and was told no. So there.

Well, that is enough for now. If you have any other comments that you have been told and want me to address what my thoughts on them would be feel free to share them with me.

November 10

Nope, can't come up with a better title. Sorry.
I was just thinking about this conversation that I had back in October, preblog days, with one of the mothers from Alex's soccer team. I was telling her about the losses I had had and that I wanted to try again to have a baby. She actually told me this, "You don't want to have a baby at your age." WHAT? Last time I checked it was my body and my life, right?
So if I want to have a baby it is my decision. I am the one that will have to carry it for 9 months, please let me carry it for 9 months, and then give birth and then raise it. So I am thinking that it is actually up to me if I want to or not. I was polite, yep bite the tongue, and just smiled and said I do want one and we will see if it happens.
I have also been told to "just adopt". Of course by people who have no kids of their own.
I want to have my own baby, I know, I am being selfish and should think of all the children out there that don't have families to love them. I want the experience of feeling it move in my tummy and kicking me in the bladder at all hours of the day and night. Is that wrong?
I know that there are children that need families, but if you look at the system you will see that the kids that really need a family are hung up in foster care because their birth mothers will not release them. Could it be that even though, that mother is on crack or whatever other drugs are out there and possibly put her children in a harmful situation, that maybe, just maybe, she remembers carrying that baby for 9 months and really does love that child but doesn't know how to help herself and get her life back in line? I know that there are people out there who also just keep popping kids out to work the welfare system and don't want to get their life in line.
I am having an understanding day I guess cause normally I would be bitching about these people being on welfare. Maybe I am jealous that they can just believe that the government or someone will be there to take care of them and their multiple progeny and I can't do that. I am too much of a control freak, I need to know where the money for the bills and for groceries is coming from and that means I have to keep my job. As much as I hate it.
Apparently being on antidepressants to stop smoking is making me more depressed. Can that happen? I am doing pretty good with the stopping smoking. Only 4-6 a day. I was doing 20 a day. I am trying.
I was hoping that this month I would end up pregnant but I just have that feeling that it didn't happen. Ok, if an egg would have been fertilized it wouldn't have happened until Friday or Saturday, so I wouldn't even be experiencing any signs or symptoms. I just have the feeling in my gut. I had that feeling in my gut when I was so sick for the whole month of November last year right before I lost that baby that something was wrong. How do you get a doctor to believe you when you tell them that something isn't right? I have lived with this body for 38 years now so I would think that I should be the expert on how I feel, right? Not some doctor who has seen me twice in the two years prior to my pregnancy for the annual Spread 'em exam.
Maybe the whole thing of a year from December 2nd was when my body gave up on my baby. My baby was still moving and still had a heartbeat but my body decided that it wanted to bleed out instead of keep that little fighter inside. Traitor!
I actually do not remember much of the month of November last year. The only thing I recall for sure was when that creep approached my boy at the bus stop. That woke me from the fog of pain and fear I had been living in that month. At least that is done now and the anniversary of our loss is the day that they will be sentencing that creep for, hopefully more then 15 years.
I am also depressed because my parents are in Arizona now and on Monday will be heading for the border. That will suck. I don't want them to go to Mexico but I can't throw a temper tantrum like I used to when I was little to get them to change their minds. I was so hoping to get pregnant and then not tell them til they came back in May. By then I would be 5 or 6 months along. How cool would that have been?
Oh well, I still have to wait til next week to see if my period shows up. Then I get to work next weekend collecting deer brain samples for the Chronic Wasting Disease study that the state is still doing. That is the only joy I get out of this stupid job, working for a different program. I wonder how the boys will do without me around all day Saturday and all day Sunday?
Oh well, enough of me bringing the world down. Because the world revolves around me and everyone knows it.

Guilty, guilty, guilty

Yeah! That son of a bitch was found guilty. Alex and I gave our testimony Wednesday afternoon then had to leave to get back for the wake for my aunt. Then Thursday was the funeral and when we got home from that in the afternoon there was a message from the DA's office that the jury deliberated for 30 minutes and found him guilty. Yeah! My baby can go back to being a 12 year old, pre-pubecent boy. Major relief.
Then Friday morning mom and dad took off for the big Mexican Adventure. First stop was to my uncle's in Mauston.
Yesterday they left from Mauston and called from Ottowa, Kansas. They plan to be in Arizona by Wednesday night. Mom's cousin Sue has them scheduled to do a walk for some charity on Thursday. Then they plan to be to the ranch by the 15th or 16th of November.
Still waiting for dad's pills to arrive in the mail so that I can forward them on to Sue in AZ.
Other then that not too much going on. I made up a new word for the idiot coworkers that are incredibly loud every freaking day. Turkeese. Combo of Turkey and geese. that is what they sound like when they really get rolling. So far today they are kind of calm. Maybe they are out of the office.
Have to wait til the 18th to see if my period shows up. Wonder if we got the timing right this month. Then, if we did, will this one stay in where it belongs? Wish that I could have gotten some damn doctor to do some freaking tests so that we know what is wrong with me that I can't keep a pregnancy going.
Still waiting to get dad's test results too. Maybe that will shed some light on the subject. We can only hope.
So that is all for today. Working on being smoke free. Not too bad so far. Made it with only one this morning and that one about made me puke. So that is good.
My friend Pam found out yesterday that her baby is a girl. She is 20 weeks along. I would have been 22 weeks today. I am happy for her but still jealous. At least we found out that this last baby of our wouldn't have lived much past birth if it would have gotten that far due to the chromosome problems. So hopefully, nothing like that happens again and all will be right with the world. Just need to get Lola's test results back so she knows where she stands. Dacia finally got her period after almost 2 months since her surgery. Several people have been getting positive pregnancy test results. I totally agree with Lola about the ticker with the fetus on them. For one thing, a developing fetus is not all that good looking. Even when the baby is born they are all squished and red and wrinkled. Just use a ticker with some butterflies or something. If you, personally, need to see what the baby looks like at each stage of development that keep that for yourself.
So that finally is it. Going to actually try to get some work done. Wish me luck. ;)

Back to Obsessing about a baby

Ok,
I got him to put out again last night. According to all the signs I should have been extremely fertile last night. I am trying to think of some way to get him to do it again tonight.
We found out that the fold out couch is less squeaky then our bed. ;) And that having to be very, very quiet makes it alot more exciting.
He apologized last night for being a dicksmack last week. He said he was worried about what my mental state will be if we lose another one. I told him that we are not going to lose another one. He asked me why I wanted a baby and I told him, Alex, my baby, is growing up and I miss when he was little. Plus I want to have a baby with Steve. I also told him he got a huge posting in my blog over his attitude last week. I wonder if he will try and find it. I guess it is better that I put it down here then let it all out in his face. Right?
So I am waiting to hear back from the DA about whether or not this stupid trial is for sure going tomorrow. Of course the school would have to be doing the Standardized Testing this week and Alex will miss tomorrow and then have to make it up and be a day behind everyone else. That just sucks.
Then we have the wake for my aunt tomorrow night, the funeral on Thursday and mom and dad abandon me either Thursday night or Friday morning. WAAAAA!!!!!
There will be plenty of posting for that issue later.